Parenting

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July 24, 2006· Filed Under Me  Tags: , , ,

We have several friends who have young children, all only have one and are not really thinking about another.  Now, while these people do love their little ones, they find the whole process of child rearing rather heavy, more so than they expected.  The women, all of whom work, are not that fond of the whole process and it has generated more than a few conflicts within relationships.  I have had to deal with a few conflicts too, many of which are down to my, somewhat limited, ideas about bringing up children, which all stem from being brought up in the UK and my other half’s ideas which come from her own Italian up bringing.  We are not alone, I’ve heard of a number of English/Italian relationships actually ending as a result of kids coming along.  Sad but true.  Then again, I know of some Italian fathers who found the stress of fatherhood so strong that they left the home and decided  to become fathers-at-a-distance.  Not good.  I know one should face up to one’s responsibilities and all that, but once you are set in your ways (ie over 35ish), a radical change such as having children can end up being a straw which breaks the camels back.  An unstable work environment does not help either.  This is all obviously bad news for the poor children involved.

In most of these situations it’s the women who quite literally end up being left ‘holding the baby’, but they are not overly happy about this, even when the father throws plenty of money at them.  I think part of the problem is down to the fact that we have children much later than our parents.  As a result the whole experience is much more traumatic than it may well have been had we decided to start a family when we were younger and more energetic.  There is so much you can do in life nowadays that you end up feeling that you are losing more than you are gaining by having a child.  We also seem to be rather unprepared for the whole thing, and when you are older, you have less energy, as I said before, and thus less patience, which is not always good when you have children.  I’m not just talking about men either.  Many women nowadays enjoy much more freedom than thay did twenty years ago and many are much more aware of the stress and work involved in bringing up a child.

Maybe we just have it all too easy, too convenient and so we find actually having to do some real work, really stressful.  I remember what my mum told me when I announced the arrival of our little one; she said children are hard work, but worth it.  My mum managed to bring up two boys, look after two dogs and run the house.  However, she did have a little home help at the start and she did not work while we were both young.  She did have a different attitude though: she sort of accepted that bringing up children was her job, although she did not have much option seeing as our dad worked late and, although he helped my mother out, he still tried to avoid spending that much time with us - and I know plenty of men today who find various ways to avoid being with their children - and that also includes me, I’m sorry to say.  Oh, my little son is wonderful and all that, and he provides us with plenty of fun moments, but I still feel as though I’ve lost rather more freedom than I ever really wanted to lose, and a lot of the trials and tribulations of being a parent are just that: trials and tribulations.  You tend to put up with things, but they do grind you down.

I shall tell my little one, when he is a bigger one, that he needs to give some careful thought to becoming a parent, although I do hope he turns out to be one of those lucky ‘natural parents’ like my brother.

I believe that some of us are born to be parents, whereas others are not, only it’s the chicken and egg situation in that you never really know until you try, which is OK to a point, but you still have to think of the little human you’ve created and how he or she is going to feel having an unenthusiastic parent on his or her hands.

Trouble is, nobody seems to give you any training on the subject of becoming a parent.  Maybe part of our schooling should be devoted to the process.  Might lead to fewer divorces and unhappy kids coming form broken homes.

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6 Responses to “Parenting”

  1. Jan said on July 25th, 2006 11:30 am

    I admire the honesty in your entry …and definitely I’m not a person (female at that!) who wants to be a parent, so I understand (from afar!) the ups and downs of being one.

    But at the same time, I’m a bit worried that your child might some day find out that you are disappointed (?) with fatherhood. It might break his heart …

  2. Alex said on July 25th, 2006 12:15 pm

    “But at the same time, I’m a bit worried that your child might some day find out that you are disappointed (?) with fatherhood. It might break his heart…”

    You have a point Jan. I don’t want to break his heart and I have to say that although I’m not in love with the experience, I’m lucky enough to have the child who is splendid. I’m not disappointed with him one bit. If my little one had been a little brat, then, well, I don’t know what I would do. Becoming a parent is something which you need to think long and hard about, something which I did not do seeing as I did not really want to become one. I know myself quite well and knew that being a parent was not really for me, however sometimes things get a little out of control and you end up being in situations which you would rather not be in. I’ve got a child now, but I certainly don’t want him to be unhappy. As I said though, I’m not alone in this boat and have noticed many others who are uncertain, to say the least, about being parents. I think a new, and possibly selfish, generation is emerging, a generation to whom parenthood is not the be all and end all of life. Let’s call it the ‘price of progess’.

  3. Jan said on July 27th, 2006 6:48 am

    Just wondering, have you ever read Tim Parks’ novels or nonfictions? … I dunno if it is a good thing or not, but sometimes I mix up the stories in his nonfictional works with the stories you tell on your blog.

  4. Alex said on July 27th, 2006 11:14 am

    Hi Jan,
    Yes, I have read ‘Italian Neighbours’ by Tim Parks. I know someone who knows him, too, but I’ve never met the guy. It’s not really a surpise that you mix up the things he and I go on about. We both live in the same Museum, so there are bound to be parallels and it’s good that there are. This gives readers some comfirmation that what he and I waffle on about is actually based on fact. Tim Parks’ novels are based on his experiences here and I think, I don’t know, he may spice them up a little by mentioning other incidents which he has heard about from other ex-pats, after all his novels at least are ‘fictional’ accounts.
    My accounts are non-fiction - with the exception of one or two of my stories, that is.
    I think your mixing things up is quite normal, nothing more.

    Baci, (Don’t worry - ‘baci’ is often used as an informal sort of ‘Regards’ here - now if I were to start using ‘bacioni’ - well, maybe you should get worried ;-))

    Alex

  5. Jan said on July 30th, 2006 6:10 am

    Uh … what does bacioni mean????

    *Clueless*

    ps: Parks’ Europa is amazing, you should try to pick it up … but if stream-of-consciousness is not your style, then, don’t start it. Otherwise, the topics he touch on (EU, education, relationships, hypocrisy, Italy, etc) are so much more evocative and personal than his non-fictional stuff …

  6. Shannon said on August 6th, 2006 8:43 pm

    As a father of four I am familiar with the stresses of parenting. I can say from experience though that a lot of times it is not so much being a “natural parent” as it is the relationship that is built starting at birth. My older children were and are a great deal more work and require more effort than my younger two. The difference is seven years worth of growth and experience and more importantly a greater commitment in time and dedication to the younger ones. What takes effort with the older ones comes naturally with the younger two. I have no idea what your circumstances are but as one who works with new parents I can tell you that for most new dads changing diapers and being there for those long sleepless nights made a big difference. Men have a tendency to think “raising children is women’s work” thinking that when the child is older they will go out and play together. Unfortunately by the time the child is old enough for dad to feel comfortable with them it is difficult to build the relationship they want. You are 100% correct about the need for training. That is why I became involved with the Boot Camp for New Dads program. If someone had told me some of the things I know now I could have avoided a lot a frustrating years figuring some of this out. Now I try to pass on some of this experience to new dads. You sound like someone who loves their child and may be frustrated at the effort it takes to live up to what you believe a good dad is. That is my relationship with my older children. Just know that it may not always be that way. You may find that as you get older you become the parent you wish to be. Best wishes on your parenting adventure. If you would like to learn more about how Boot Camp helps New parents please visit their website at http://www.bcnd.org

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