La legge e uguale per tutti

The title of this entry can be translated as 'we are all equal in the eyes of the law' and it is the motto you will see in displayed in every Italian law court. The problem is that this is just not true.

The reason for this entry is an item I heard on the news tonight which caused my blood to effervesce a wee bit and concerned an Italian law which makes it an offence to insult a minister of religion, only, this particular law differentiated between Roman Catholic ministers and those of other religions. Offend a Roman Catholic minister and you will get a stiffer sentence than if you go and insult a minister of any other religion. Fortunately, certain judges have decided that this differentiation is unconstitutional. I think you will understand why from the motto I mentioned at the start of this entry.

Of course, as most of us mere mortals know, the law is rarely as fair as it is made out to be. There is a long running case here concerning a mother who, it would seem, killed her young son. The murder weapon has never been found, but all the evidence uncovered would seem to point towards the mother's guilt. Despite this though, she has not yet ended up in court and most likely never will. The reason why this criminal act has never been punished seems to be that this person is a little bit more equal than the rest of us. Why would this be the case? Interesting you should ask. The reason for this excess of equality appears to be that the woman is rather well connected. In fact she seems to be connected to a person who could well end up being the next prime minister of Italy.

Another case of the slight abuse of equality relates to the time limits which exist under Italian law – to the extent that if you are not found guilty within a certain period, you can invoke a statute of limitations, and bring the accusations and other nastiness to a convenient end. To achieve this, all you need is a competent legal team and buckets full of cash. Easy. But only if your are the proud possessor of superior equality. Others who are unable to benefit from possessing higher than normal levels of equality will most probably find themselves sampling an all together different type of Italian cuisine, served by smiling cooks in a high security type of restaurant. At least they will not have to worry about leaving a tip.

As a general rule, not just here in Italy, your equality in the eyes of the law is pretty closely related to the size of your bank account and the capabilities of your lawyer/lawyers.

How equal are you, dear reader?

The bar

Italian bars come in many shapes and sizes, but they can be divided into two quite distinct categories – those that open in the morning and close at about the same time as the shops do – that is around 7.30 and the bars which are more akin to the English pub – except that they open in the early evening and finally close at around 2 in the morning. There are some places which open at eight in the morning and keep on going until 2 in the morning, but they are not that common.

Shortly, I’ll take you on a tour of what the day time bars offer, but first let me say something about the atmosphere of these places. Some are well decorated, have attractive out door eating areas and closely resemble restaurants, while others can be basic to the point of being Spartan – very much the working man’s bar. Don’t let this put you off though, because the quality and quantity of the food they serve can be quite simply amazing – although you’d be well advised to brush up on your Italian before trying one out. And don’t be too surprised if the man or men on the next table look(s) as if he/they belongs to a big, er, ‘family’, because he probably does. Only joking.

The day time bars start their days off by selling the famous Italian coffee, well, I should have said ‘coffees’ as you can order quite a number of versions of Italian coffee. OK, here goes, you can order a cafè, a cafe lungo, a cafè ristretto, a cafe doppio ristretto, a cappuccino, a macchiato, a cafè latte, a marrochino, a Café Americano , a cafe corretto (which is a normal espresso ‘fortified’ with the spirit of your choice – usually grappa) and versions of all those mentioned but with decaffeinated coffee. However, if you are not a coffee drinker, you can order tea – which is normally served with lemon, but you can get it with milk to add if that is your fancy. During the cold season, you can also order the wonderful Italian hot chocolate, which is think and creamy and close to being a chocolate custard. You can double the yumminess factor (and the calories) by ordering this with ‘panna montata’, which means it will come topped with that spray can whipped cream stuff. You could, but you would get some funny looks, order a hot choc in the midst of summer, but why you would want to do so is beyond me.

Now, in the morning it is not uncommon to have a briosche with your chosen type of coffee. Briosches, which resemble visually the French croissant, can be plain, salted, have chocolate cream in them, or vanilla cream, or apricot jam or even apples. If you are an early bird, you may even be lucky enough to get your briosche nice and warm, but although a few places do make their own, most are distributed early in the morning or heated up on the premises. In addition to all this wonderful choice, you can even decide how hot you want your cappuccino to be and whether or not you fancy cocoa powder sprinkled on the top. In fact they will almost always ask you about the cocoa powder, because it seems that not everyone likes it. Oh, and I almost forgot, if you don’t fancy a brioche, you can often get a rather dry biscuit, if that is what you like. Right, that’s breakfast time sorted out. Most day time bars get lots of customers just before work and the next sizeable stream turns up loaded with luncheon vouchers.

If you wander into the bar that you breakfasted in at around lunchtime, you will notice that the formerly empty glass display cabinets are now jam packed with an enormous array of sandwiches with various fillings. Italian sandwiches or ‘pannini’ as they are referred to, can be round, longish, flat or triangular. I could go on all day about the variety of fillings which exist, but I really don’t have enough time. Suffice it to say that most people will find something appetising, and if you don’t and you know enough of the lingo you can order a custom sandwich with the fillings of your choice. Then you just have to decide whether you want the thing heated up or not, which I recommend if you have anything with cheese in it, because the melted cheese makes the end product even more yummy. Don’t want a sandwich? No problem. You can often find an interesting range of other dishes, from pasta to chicken to salads to hot dogs. Then you can order a few vegetables to go with your choice, but what ever you order will be warmed up in a microwave more often than not, and often the vegetable dishes are lukewarm which I find a little off-putting.

Puddings usually take the form of fresh fruit salads called ‘macedonia’ or fruit; apples, oranges, bananas, kiwis or lumps of pineapple. Then of course you can order something to wash everything down. For most Italians this means a bottle of still or sparking water, but some go for wine and others will have a small beer or a coke and, of course, to round things off most have a coffee – but at this hour only a café normale – espresso or lungo are taken.

Now, if you are feeling adventurous you could order a ‘digestivo’, although I can’t remember whether you drink one of these odd concoptions before or after your coffee. The digestivos are strange, often herb based alcoholic beverages. I have tried these drinks on the odd occasion, but found them so unusual that I’ve never become an aficionado. If you fancy one, order a ‘Fernet Branco’ and see what you think. Most of them seem to taste similar and have an odd burning effect on your stomach or so I have found. I suppose this is why they are ‘digestivi’ or digestive drinks, because the literally burn up the contents of your well filled tummy. Italians are big into their digestive systems and will moan if they think that they have been unable to digest something and it might even bring on a temperature.

Am I loosing you yet? Well, remember this is only the day time bars and I have not finished with them yet. The final and best time of the day is about to come. Yes, if you have not guessed, it is the aperatif. The drink before you toddle of home for an evening meal. At this point I have to say that the aperativi hours in Milan are possibly the best in all Italy. Why is this? Well, in Milan it is normal around the early evening to fill the counters with very tasty tidbits, often pieces of sandwiches chopped into bit sized chunks, but also potato crisps (chips if you are from the States), peanuts and other salted goodies, plus pickled cucumbers and onions, olives and slices of carrots which can be dipped in mayonnaise or another similar sauce. This is not enough for you? OK, in that case head for some of the trendier bars around Milan – like Bar Victoria in the centre or Bar Etnico near to me or Bar Elefant near Porta Venezia, to name but three and you will find the counters loaded up with an incredible selection of foods. But just to keep you going they often add huge plates of pasta, pieces of pizza, couscous, rice salads and many other tempting treats to wash down with a beer or cocktail or two. The best thing about these buffets? They are free. You could easily order a glass of water and then spend the time up to around nine shuttling to an fro from the bar filling your plate with all manner of stuff. You can, and I have, eat so much that you just don’t need to think about having supper. Of course, if you still feel a wee bit peckish, head off for a pizza, if you still have room that is. Honestly, at times the food on offer is mind boggling – but only really in Milan and you do need to know where to head for.

That’s it with regard to the so-called day time bars. I’ve written so much that I’m going to save the low down on the evening/night time bars for another entry. Hope you don’t mind too much.

Paying for past vices

I used to love playing my music at rather loud levels – much to the disgust of my neighbours. My stereo back in the UK was seriously powerful – so powerful that when the neighbours started hammering on the front door, I used to think it was just part of the music. Well, I was young, free and, let’s face it, pretty inconsiderate.

Well, those who live by the sword, or stereo in my case, die by it or so the old saying goes. Where I now live there is this bar which specialises in live and loud music and it just happens to back onto our appartment block. I do remember asking the former owners about the music level and remember being told that it was hardly noticeable. They were lying, big time. The music pounds away until 2 in the morning most nights and you can hear it pretty well with all the windows closed. Summer is now coming and sleeping with the windows shut here is a great way to suffocate yourself, not to mention finding yourself lying in you very own home made water bed, only the water is not water, it is your sweat. Not nice.

I will never again pay my favourite toons at unsocially loud levels, I promise. Not unless I happen to move into some isolated spot in the middle of the mountains where my own personal disco will annoy no-one.

My ex-neighbours would be laughing themselves silly if they knew just what I was having to put up with. ‘Serves himself right’, I can hear them saying. And much as I hate to admit it, they are right. My sins have caught up with me and revenge is being well and truly, if indirectly, extracted. If you happen to know anyone who is selling a secondhand time machine at a good price, let me know. I promise that I will go back and turn down the volume. Naughty me.

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